The not so smart shopper

 The not so smart shopper

Listen to recording

Shopping used to be a breeze, just go to shops buy what you please.

Now it’s loyalty cards, online apps, web purchasing, DIY scanning, being smart

It’s no longer shopping, it’s a retail experience , it’s more like an art

Must try to be smart and keep up though, so let’s give scan and bag a go!

Listen, there’s a ping ping here, a ping ping there, here a ping, there a ping, everywhere a ping-ping

First scan bee-food card says  “welcome back guest”

 how very polite! – I am impressed

Into fruit and veg department (sorry, fresh produce)

I need a carrot, ah here’s one loose

Let’s find some scales – there’s some in the distance

Oh, says “Printer Fault – Please ask a member of staff for assistance”

Just one set working!, surrounded by frugivores, hurry, must get on!

Oh no, touched the wrong picture; it’s a carrot not an onion!

I’ve scanned it now, oh this is fraud, how fraught!

Don’t want to appear again in Snaresbrook Crown Court!

Wait, there’s  “remove item” on the scanner, let’s give that a go
Hey, I have un-beeped the onion! Success, but better take it slow

Wow, I see this carrot costs seven pence

With such high finance, no wonder I’m so tense.

Let’s try menswear next, I could do with more pyjamas

I cannot find any, oh dear more dramas!

Just loungewear and sleepwear, what the heck’s the difference?

Best move on, I’m just showing my ignorance!

Guess pyjamas have gone same way as handkerchiefs, vaseline hair tonic,and pan-yan pickle
No doubt we ancient guys now, our tastes would seem too fickle

Move on

this chinese chicken with rice, says I need to seek assistance from colleague at checkout!

What the heck’s all that about?

(Suppose I’d surreptitiously sneaked in a sex toy from the store

Guess the scanner would have had me escorted through the door.)

Oh no, I’ve done my beep, and got the dreaded waiting signal
wow, now I’ve got an “unknown error” message, it’s like being at work
Connection terminated!

Try again, now says no wifi connection.
In another aisle I get it back. Now a traffic jam …

Get out the way you stupid woman, move your ??**??!! trolley
If I had it with me, I’d poke you with my brolly!

And so it goes on …..

Over at last, Now to smart checkout, scan QR code

Oh, I’ve got a flashing yellow  light! Ah that’s the beer that I’ve got stowed

Here she comes, nice lady (sorry, “store colleague”) to do age check

Over 18, easily passed that test, no problem not  high tech

Got coupon to scan, wiggle it about, recognised at last

Oh no, put coupon through wrong slot, aghast

Think I’ve been a silly old geezer

Going to  need a pair of tweezers.

Put in “Receipt” slot rather than “Insert vouchers here” I really am a doofus!

Nice lady sorts me out again, sometimes I am quite clueless.

Escape at last, not sure whether I’m  smart dumb or thick?

I’ve no idea but I do know that they’ve still  got no spotted dick!

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